Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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