So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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