matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
