the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
