I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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