I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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