did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
