you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
