The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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