Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
