Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You are a genius and a whore.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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