you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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