You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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