I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
