this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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