I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
