hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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