Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
