Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
