god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
