it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
