tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
where are my eyebrows?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
