just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
