if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
