just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
