I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
