I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
