does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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