Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
