there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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