Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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