just come out here and I will go home with you...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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