i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
