I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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