I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
