Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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