the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
