I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
