8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
