I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
