You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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