i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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