What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have fence marks all over my body
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
