Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
