I will die if light touches me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
