Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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