i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
