Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
