god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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