I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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